The Elementals

I'm just going to put a small part on here. This is Lighty's favorite part. The Elementals is about these six people who are supposed to be trained in one element--air, water, earth, fire, healing, and dark (I thought of the 4 elements, but then I decided to put six). It's from May Thompson's point of view (she's earth).
In this small part, Sean (healing) is being controlled by Belinda (fire). May is forced to kill Sean by Zoraidia (and enchanter), and in the process, she kills Belinda (fire). (Oh yeah, they're all teens, did I mention that?) I'd like some more opinions please, other than "Wow, you wrote all of this?" (I have 225 pages currently) or "It's such a weird story". Thanks.

I saw the hurt look that flashed across Sean’s face, but then it was gone, hidden behind an expressionless face. That was one proof that Sean was telling the truth, but what about the difference in his eyes?
Before I could do anything, however, she pointed at me, and said the most awful curse a witch of fire could do.
I could’ve screamed, but the pain was too brief. My magic overwhelmed me, tearing at Belinda’s magic.
She gasped in shock and pain. I desperately tried to stop Earth’s magic from killing Belinda. After all, I didn’t want to kill someone I considered a family member. Then Zoraidia’s words came back.
Earth’s guardian is supposed to destroy all evil in on Earth.
I gritted my teeth, and tried to stop the magic. It was absolutely no use. She collapsed.
Sean ran over to check her. The connection between us opened, and I could feel the cold touch of Belinda’s dead body.
He faced me. “You killed her,” Sean said, almost a whisper. Then, seeing no reaction on my face, he drew his sword.
“I thought you were supposed to kill me.”
I prepared myself for another duel with him. Although I had beaten him at mock fights, he, too, had sixteen wins and five losses at swordplay.
It wasn’t fair, though. In fairytales, the prince always saves the princess. But no, I had to save Earth from dying, remove everything bad, sacrifice myself for Ovienna and Wynter.
His sword suddenly slashed down, and if I had not been prepared, I would’ve had a hit through my ribs.
Both of the swords were almost invisible, they were going so fast. Once or twice, one of us would almost touch the other, nicking them, but then stepping back to defend once more.
Finally, I parried, and then pretended to stab. Instead of stabbing, however, I pressed my blade to Sean’s throat.
It was as if we were practicing back at Darkview Manor. I would gently push away, and we would start again.
But it wasn’t a practice. It was the real thing, this time.
Suddenly, I was overcome with flashbacks. My mind skimmed to when I was an ordinary girl going to Glenda High School as a sophomore, to when I was trapped inside the basement, when I was an outlaw, meeting Zahi and Zahi on Magislata Island.
I pursed my lips. So this is how Septra felt when she was about to kill Matrin.
I couldn’t kill Sean. Never seeing him happy, never feeling the touch of his hand, never kissing again.
Closing my eyes, I tried to imagine a life without Sean. It would be a horrible place to live. No joy in life would lift a flutter in my heart.
Sean looked pale against the sharp stones.
“Please?” he breathed out. I looked into the deep, chocolate eyes. I knew that it hurt him to see his adopted younger sister killed, and knowing he was going to be killed himself.
It also hurt me. I trembled, the sword shaking, too. Sean looked at me, knowing full well what was going on my head. I shook my head, desperately fighting.
Love, my conscious thought desperately. Love.
Against my will, I sheathed my sword, never once looking back as I walked away.

You should post the beginning. =)

And duh, this obviously is my favorite part. =D The detail and the descriptive events are really really good.

Woah. Yeah, real nice bit of the story. I like it. But this is near the end? No?

Actually, this is the middle. The beginning is sort of confusing which is all explained near the end-ish (though I haven't finished yet). And this part is one of my favorites. The basement part in the beginning of my story is my favorite because that's the first idea that came from my inspiration. And by the way, I'm not going to share my inspiration. And the basement part is a bit too lengthy to fit on here. Besides, that's the good part. Save the juicy for later.

Okay, so I made a new beginning. I'm restarting my story because there's a lot of flaws in it. This is part of the new beginning:
Chapter 1
The tip of my pen wavered slightly as I thought about my day. My diaries were always filled with everything from my best friend’s, Bree’s, opinions to the gossip of the day to my parents.
I love writing in diaries. You could tell it everything and it won’t reply anything back. My cramped and curly script filled most of the pages.
I’m going to need a new one, I told myself. But I couldn’t bring myself to ask Mother. It wasn’t that she wasn’t around more than three quarters of my life. It was the fact that she seemed to study me, rather than care about me.
Sometimes I wondered whether I was born into the family. I looked nothing like my father or mother. Wynter and Ovienna, my cousins, agreed. I hated my black hair that contrasted with my pale face especially on Halloween. If I planned to be a vampire, I wouldn’t even have to put on makeup. It’d already been done.
Even my eyes were strange. It would flicker back and forth irritatingly. Depending on my mood, it either became green or violet. When I’m angry or depressed, it turned violet. When I’m happy and excited, my eyes turned green. I suppose it would’ve been fine, if not for the fact that no one in my family had green or violet eyes. I felt like a complete outcast.
I jumped as the clock struck midnight. Twelve times it struck, and each time it echoed eerily throughout the corridors of Darkview Manor. Sighing, I quietly shut my diary. Probably the only one still awake was Ovienna, practicing her punches and kicks or watching the television up into the night.
My cousins’ parents, my aunt and uncle, had died from a plane crash. Seeing as my small family of three were the only ones left, they’d landed in my parents’ care. Not that they noticed any difference. Either way, we were still rich. And I hated every minute of being rich. I liked to challenge myself, so I wanted to start a normal life, instead one of those rich millionaire women heiresses you see on the cover of magazines.
In exchange for a roof over their heads, Ovienna and Wynter had taken up the house chores. I helped whenever I wasn’t busy loaded with homework. The manor was so large; I would wake up one morning late and take half my time finding the rooms.
“Hey. You still awake?”
I glanced up from my desk drawer into the eyes of Ovienna. “Of course I am. I can never sleep before writing inside my diary. You know that.”
She laughed and punched the wall. “I can never sleep before writing inside my diary,” she mimicked. Then, resuming to her normal voice, she continued, “I can’t go to sleep otherwise. I wonder what Wynter’s doing. She’s probably loaded with too much homework to talk.”
“Probably,” I agreed. Ovienna and I were freshman, but Wynter was a junior. I knew that there’d be more homework in college, but I couldn’t imagine more than what Wynter had right now.
“You remember when I was in sixth grade in Chicago?” Ovienna asked, stretching out on my bed and staring at the ceiling. Yes, I could only remember too well. She was only in Chicago last year (my aunt and uncle had passed that year). Because Ovienna loved a good fight, she’d challenged one of the strongest boys to a wrestling match. They did finish their match before a teacher came to break them apart. But not after Ovienna won and the friends of that boy’s came to give her a souvenir to bring home. Unsurprisingly, she’d won over all of them. However, she did get expelled from that particular school and every school around wouldn’t accept her. So the Gardens had moved here, to Glenda, Maryland.
Ovienna and I had a lot in common. We were both good at academic work, we played the piano, and we even play on the soccer team. If anyone saw us, they’d forget about our appearance and say that we were twins.
Of course, that wasn’t true. Ovienna’s brown hair, her orange-peach skin, and even her clothes were completely different. I preferred a regular jeans plus tank top with a sweater if I was cold. Ovienna liked to have baggy jeans, t-shirt in all weather and a short ponytail that whipped against any opponent. Kids at school learned to avoid a steaming Ovienna. Wynter was abstract to me as well. She’d always had pale, almost white, hair, with wide, innocent blue eyes. Tights, skirts, tank tops, and pretty shoes filled her closet.
“I remember that there was this boy at school. And I remember that I almost went out with him until I had to move here.” My eyebrows shot up in amazement. Ovienna had liked somebody? The sky must’ve been falling. “He emailed me yesterday. I didn’t expect it. I thought he’d forgotten. His name’s David. He’s the reason why I got expelled though. I told him that I loved to fight. So he set up the game in the field.” She quieted.
“So do you still like him?” Inside my head, I wondered who I liked at school. Nothing came up. I wasn’t really into romance. All those movies about girls liking boys and being the gossip of the school didn’t exactly appeal to me.
“Yes. Well, sort of. I don’t know. You think I should still go out with him, even though we’re states apart?”
I shrugged. “Why not? It’s not as if everyone at school is going to know. Besides, if he still wants to go out, then why can’t you? Still, it kind of a downer that the guy you like got you expelled.”
Ovienna exhaled a breath slowly. “Yeah.”
Wynter poked her head through the doorway. “Guys, it’s almost twelve thirty. Go to sleep.”
“I swear Wynter, you sound like a parent,” Ovienna complained. “What day is it today, anyway?”
“September fourteenth. Tomorrow’s May’s birthday. I planned a birthday party already, so don’t complain. I invited basically everyone in your grade. You can’t say anything about that, okay?”
I met Ovienna’s eyes, and I stuffed my arm in my mouth to avoid laughing too hard. That was the typical Wynter. Planning something without consulting the host. I can’t say exactly that I disliked her way of doing things. It was just that she never seemed to ask anyone before doing something.
“Get out of my room.” I tossed a pillow at them, mainly at Ovienna. She caught it and threw it back. I was too exhausted to start a pillow fight. They got the message when I put my red glasses on a nearby stand.
“’Night.” They left, softly pulling the door closed with a muffled thump. Once the door was closed I tried to fall into a calm, deep sleep. Unfortunately, I couldn’t do it. Tossing and turning around wasn’t in my thesaurus as “calmly”.
I suddenly found myself standing in a meadow. The breezes blew at me, but I didn’t care. Even though the ground was still wet, I sat down, breathing in the warm, rich scent of the forest. Glenda Forest, I realized a second later.
Sitting across from me, I saw two unfamiliar girls, both younger than me, and a boy. Someone…from school?
The image disappeared and I now saw torches lined up against a stone wall. The hazy darkness was suffocating me. I fought against the ropes that bound my hands.
“Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you…”
I yelped in surprise as I spotted Ovienna blowing whistles, popping balloons, and singing at the top of her lungs. She stopped as soon as she saw me leaning weakly against the bedpost. “You okay?”
“Give me a minute,” I panted. My nightmares were vivid. Heart pumping wildly, chest heaving, I supposed it wasn’t the best day to have a birthday. After a while, everything resumed to its normal position.
“Okay.” I blinked and climbed out of bed. A quick glance at the clock gave me a second surprise. “It’s seven thirty and you didn’t wake me up!?” I yelled in Ovienna’s ear.
She shrugged. “I woke up at six thirty. At least the bathroom’s open. Well, the closest bathroom is open.”
“The bathroom is open?” I growled. “What do I care if the bathroom’s open? We’re going to be so late for school.” I yanked open my closet and pulled out random clothes. “Get out. I’m changing.”
Ovienna rolled her eyes, but complied. I dressed quickly, not wanting to be late. If I was late, then this would be a first late mark in nearly five years. I didn’t want that.
“Hey, sleepy head. You’re late.”
I growled at Wynter, but snatched the piece of toast out of her hand. “Where’s Mother and Father anyway?” I asked.
Wynter slapped me on the arm. “Already out. Uncle said to wear something than your usual tank tops because it’s going to rain later. Anyway, Happy Birthday.”
I raised my eyebrows briefly, before I remembered that I was already late. So I grabbed my backpack, stuffed anything that was on my desk into it, and strolled out the doors of Darkview Manor.
~ ~ ~
Tapping my pencil impatiently, I tried to think of sentence to begin my ten page essay. The clock above me ticked annoyingly, and all the scuffling around me didn’t help either. Neither did the fact that my desk mate, Sean Thompson, was already on his third page.
“Sean.”
I risked getting in trouble. Fortunately, Sean seemed to realize that same fact. He took out a piece of paper and wrote:
What?
Glancing at our English teacher, I wrote back:
Can you think of a beginning? I need help.
Sean scratched a few sentences on his own essay before he turned back to the little slip of yellow paper. He paused for a few seconds, and then slid the paper underneath the desk as the English teacher came waltzing around.
I pretended not to notice her as I bent down, still thinking of a beginning. The English teacher glanced down at my work and saw nothing. She leaned down, and whispered, “Can I talk to you in the back of the room?”
Sighing, I straightened my shoulders and stood. Sean raised his eyebrows, but moved nothing else. Following my English teacher, I wondered what she would talk about besides my work.
“May, are you distracted?”
A small snort escaped me. “For some reason, I think something bad is going to happen. And for another thing, it’s my birthday. I haven’t seen my parents since last week. Why aren’t my parents home? It’s—“
“May,” the English teacher interrupted, “there’s a word for that, and it’s called foreboding. But I don’t think it’s going to happen. Most of the time it’s just not real.”
“It’s usually true for me. Like the time I felt sad and I had no explanation. It ended up that my aunt and uncle died,” I snapped. “Or the time I felt guilty, and I ended up accidently owing the school eighty dollars because I messed up a textbook?”
“Those are good points,” my teacher admitted. “But I don’t think you should worry. Besides, you’re usually a good student. I really don’t understand why these types of things should bother you. Go back to your seat and don’t worry about it. And Happy Birthday.”
Sighing, I slipped back into my seat. Sean slid the little slip of paper to me. It now read: Why not try the World War II? It’s a good enough report, if you write like you normally do.
I rolled my eyes at this, but began writing.
~ ~ ~
“You should definitely go out with him.”
Of course, this was to be expected. Only Bree would think of saying that. I wondered if she had any limits to talking about romance. Even though I’m a fourteen-year-old, I’m not exceptionally into kissing some boy and then later in life, breaking up. It didn’t help that a lot of boys were into me, or the fact that my best friend Bree talked about it all the time.
There was a pounding in my ears as I grappled the situation. How was I going to tell Bree that I hated to talk about some love? And make it the last time?
“Ms. Thompson, the principal would like to speak with you.”
I jumped, startled. Bree whirled around to meet with a lunch aide. Sighing, I gathered my scattered books and stacked them neatly in my locker. Then I followed after the aide reluctantly. Bree mouthed the words, “Good luck.”
The air in the office felt cool to my skin. If anything, I’d bet the office had the air conditioning working, while the rest of the school sat in hot, stuffy classrooms. Secretaries looked up as I entered the area where the assistant and regular principals’ office was.
After knocking softly, I found the principal trying to strangle the phone. He was yelling into it, something about a car crash. I glanced uneasily around me. I knew what he was going to say.
And I hated him for it.
The principal finally managed to calm down, and asked whoever was on the other end whether he should hand the phone to me. They must’ve said yes, because he dragged the cradle over, and handed me the receiver.
I forced myself to listen.
“Is this May Thompson?” Quickly, I breathed a yes. The woman continued, “This is Dr. Junes from the Glenda Hospital. I’m afraid to say that your parents have met with a serious car accident, and, well…”
I knew it. There was always a but. “Your father hadn’t been able to make it to the hospital in time. Your mother, though, is severely injured, and will take several months to fully recover. Will you be all right with the housing problem?”
Unfortunately, I had no idea. My mother was supposed to be an airplane attendant, my father in real estate. However, I hadn’t seen either of them working, let alone see their files or even any bills for Darkview Manor.
“I’m not sure,” I admitted. “But I think I’m already covered. Besides, if I’m not right, Wynter and Ovienna should know as well.”
There was a pause, a scuffle, and a long sigh. “I checked your files. Nothing came up for a Thompson family. It was only your mother’s words that made us call the high school. No family supposed to be living in Darkview Manor either.”
Gripping the phone tightly, I choked out, “What?”
“There’s really no files. No files for Wynter or Ovienna. Is there a connection between you and them?”
“Yes,” I replied. “They’re my cousins that moved here last year.”
“I’m sorry,” Dr. Junes apologized. “Unless the computer has malfunctioned, which, by the way, hasn’t happened since it was created, I really can’t find your files. Not a birth record, no moving people, not even a file on Darkview Manor…Are you from a foreign country? That might be the half the solution.”

Can someone PLEASE rate it, other than sweetiecow and Lighty (they're both my sisters.)? You don't have to, but I really, really, really want to know what other people think.

BTW--sorry for double posting.

Ya mean you need crits? XD Love it though.

Annoyingly enough, I have to say it's really good. Now that's the only compliment I can give you at the moment. Write some more. Hey! I'll tell Bri to make an account so she can read it! Maybe Sam too!

No, screw the one above. I've changed it so much, and the writing up there kind of stinks, if you ask me...There's so many mistakes, just by giving it a glance.

Bet ya can't beat moi fanfic on maximum-x.com heh

Yes, actually I can if I liked Maximum Ride anymore. Anyway, here's another small random bit out of nowhere.

The steady drip-drip of the water slowly pouring down into the holding cell was infuriating me worse than ever. I could hear the other juveniles threatening their captivators that they’d murder them in their sleep when they were least expecting it. And then the jailers yelling back insults of every kind known to man.
“Having one of those quiet days seems a long way off,” muttered my holding officer. I called him James, Officer James if there was another cop around.
“You bet,” I murmured, voice level, tracing the palm of my hand. To me, that was just the sound of a regular high-security prison. Although, admittedly, most were much quieter than this.
James had the tendency to believe everyone, so when I was placed in the cell he was supposed to be guarding, everyone thought I’d break out for sure. But I didn’t. Not today at least.
It wasn’t that I couldn’t. It was because I had no where to go. Even if I made a new profile for myself, not many were willing to take in eleven year olds without evidence they weren’t a psycho, some kid straight out of a mental hospital.
And besides, the guilt…the crushing pain that wanted me to scream, crouch somewhere alone, just to grasp a hilt of a knife and commit suicide for what I’d done.
“You okay, Taylor?”
Only a moment later did I realize I was lying slantwise across the bed, hands tightly clenched into fists. Opening my eyes slowly, I took in James’ worried face.
A normal juvenile would have pushed him away roughly, most likely trade insults then as well. For starters, I wasn’t a normal juvenile, nor was I normal by anyone’s standards. Not that I bothered to tell them.
Them—the awful courtroom judges and jury. My testimony was far from correct. It had so many flaws that even the audience noticed right away. I hadn’t tried to correct them. There wasn’t anything I could do about it anyway.


Ach, I found a few errors already. Oh well, I did this a long time ago.

Hey, check out this one! It's new, sweetiecow already read it, so whatever. It's only an idea though, not sure if I want to continue...

GUESS.
It stood for Government Undercover Endangered Species System. And wasn’t it a surprise I was trying to ignore the awful, bold lettering scrawled across the building.
Not because I liked the “down-to-earth” theory, but because I was the endangered species. If you could call me that. I was an elf, from a pure lineage.
And like the title, I was considered, “endangered”. With my hidden identity, I was transferred to places around the globe, the hunters trying to capture one of the last remains of magic beings.
I hated it.
“Emmal!”
I looked up to see Louis, my “health inspector”. He was waving his arms frantically.
“Come on, Emmal, you’re late!”
I walked on at my pace, not caring if I was late or not. Because that meant bending down to an inferior race, the mortals who controlled my life. My sui juris, meaning “master”. Well, I wasn’t about to start anytime soon calling somebody that.
“Emmal!”
Louis met my eyes, and took a step back. I marched past him, knowing how much I put fear into his heart. Elves may have a porcelain presence about them, but they were anything but that.
“Emmal Downs, you are late.”
I shrugged at the woman in front of me. She was one of the worst in the building—the scientist and brains of GUESS United States. Miss Ghadah Fawns, I called her—there was really no difference to me on the whole “Miss” and “Mrs.”.
“You know you cannot be late, as this is the most vital part of the GUESS experiment!” Fawns snapped. “Emmal, this is a billion-dollar project, and a few thousand dollars just went into waste!”
“I think she needs punishment,” said a quiet voice, filled with mirth. My eyes narrowed, but I didn’t dare look at the speaker. Fawns could be bad, but Gottham was worse.
Fawns looked up and smiled. “After, Gottham, after,” she said, sweetness and charm dripping like honey on her words. Even she didn’t like Gottham.
“Are we going to start?” I asked brusquely. “Or are we going to waste a few more thousand dollars talking?”
Both of them looked ready to kill. But Louis intercepted. “Take off your clothes, please, Emmal.”
I stripped, the usual process beginning. Fawns and Louis examined me, poking me here and there, asking questions about my usual athletics, my rehab skills.
“Emmal, have you ever socialized?” asked Louis. “Friends?”
I shook my head. “There is no point in making friends if they’re going to die early in my life,” I replied. “Like every other human, right?”
“You should try,” said Louis. “It would be a nice addition to your health.”
I bit the inside of my cheek to stop myself from a retort. What did he know about elves? Only the information given by me was his data.
“Hmph. More like cause trouble to us,” muttered Fawns.
My eyes flickered to Fawn’s back. She was writing in a small, blue notebook, scribbling down who-knows-what. I glared at her anyway.
The notebook suddenly gave way as the bindings fell apart. Fawns yelped and jerked backwards. I kept my expression blank, but inside I felt good. Power was Might in my world. And would always be.
“Emmal,” Louis said sharply.
I shot a venomous glance at him, but evidently said nothing in reply. There was no need.

Disgusting glop for breakfast at the GUESS building, and now this.
I poked at the thing lying on my tray, wondering what it was. It certainly wasn’t macaroni and cheese as the board said. Well, it was either this or have another bowl of outdated cereal.
I preferred the outdated cereal.
School lunches were outlandish these days, I thought. What, the school can’t pay for better meals than a stick of cardboard for pizza?
“Hey, Em, nice glop,” someone snickered. I didn’t need to even turn around to know who it was. Oraline, my co-partner at GUESS, was the school’s biggest girl punk. Actually, she was the only girl punk, as the school seemed divided into three parts: girly-girls; emos, punks, Goths, skater-boys, all in one; and of course, the nerds.
Unfortunately for me, I was neither of them.
“Ora, just shut up,” I replied, without looking behind me.
She snickered, but went back to the boys’ conversation.
I sighed, and looked around. No one was watching me, so I dumped the lunch into the trash. Even if it were real macaroni and cheese, I still wouldn’t be able to stomach it. Elves were solely vegetarians, and there was no way I was going to become one of these humans just to taste meat. Ora, on the other hand, was one of the ancient mer-people—she had no morals. If you get what I mean.
The library was the quickest place to get some quiet, but today, the student council was having a meeting. I sighed again, then slipped out the cafeteria doors.
“Miss Downs!”
I gritted my teeth, then faced the principal with the sweetest of smiles, the look of the innocent.
“Yes?”
The principal looked suspiciously at my polite tone. He knew I stayed with Ora, who didn’t have the cleanest of reputations, but he had never met me, never told my behaviors were odd and out of place.
“Miss Downs, are you trying to play hooky?”
My head snapped back. “Yes. But you’re going to let me go.”
His eyes suddenly became blank. “I’m going to let you go.”
“And you’re not going to tell anyone about this conversation. In fact, you won’t even remember this.”
“I won’t tell anyone,” he promised. “I won’t even remember this.”
The principal walked away with a dazed expression.
I looked around to make sure no one saw. But although I saw nobody, something gave me the intuition that someone was watching discreetly.

A trickle of water, the smell of dirt and flowers.
All signs of spring, and the waning powers of Winter’s Aust. I breathed in the fresh air, enjoying the peace, away from everything, but an elves’ victor.
I was sitting at the edge of a stream, the Arbor river, I liked to call it. Trees scattered around the water, a beautiful scenery that I loved. It was all so…elfish.
Wind, I thought. Come unto me. Aquilo, amicitia.
She came.
Laughing, I let her swirl around me, daughter breezes floating toward the river. Ripples on the water joined the game, then the leaves, swaying gently. My orange hair that marked me an elf flew, wrapping around my face.
Slowly, Wind died, and I was left alone again. A sigh, and I stood to leave.
But, of course, something of a nightmare happened next.

Um...not really good, it's just like James Patterson, but whatever. Again, still completely random...

Sure. Awkward. Duh.
3 words that sums it up. Right?
Anyhow, that is a dead end. I prefer The Elementals if you catch my drift.

Dunno what Imma going to write. Just pops up.